Monday Part II

Since I wrote this morning blog last night I decided to go back and do another one for this evening. The rest of the day was pretty quiet, we decided to mix up my pain medication a bit (which is really a super delicate act when you get to this stage) but I need to get me some more relief in the afternoon and hopefully sleep better so tomorrow will either be a fantastic day or me being a puddle of tears (for the third day in a row). My main problem is I tend to get very paranoid, sad, and loopy but also I am in pain and the meds are part of each others problem, so the mix right. This morning I was able to get some work done on my bird feeder though, but spent most of the day in an attempt to sleep off the pain or just brush through it. Eventually got all the meds switched over at once. This ended up working well because all of a sudden I am high as a kite with a sore arm, we can just assume that is close enough for now.

It’s funny that the mind things have made such a huge impact on my status of life going through cancer is the mind games that it starts to play on you. I remember it started very early on with the treatment. For some reason when I was in the car going to treatment I didn’t seem to fit right. I would either have my eyes close picturing myself in a bed that was 20 times the size of me or that I was in a box car, I began to lose all sense of perception. It usually happened on the way to treatment but occasionally when I was trying to sleep as well. After a while they became more vivid. My cousin Courtney bought me a giant balloon that said You’re the best !, except that I would insist that it said Happy Birthday, I would get really angry when my mom would disagree with me. I wanted to write this blog when they were around since I can’t remember I also kept talking about Dutch kids and war boats. It took me forever but it turns out that I was trying to rescue children from WWII. At one point we were moved to a room at Princess Margaret, I was convinced that the room was run by grape raisin children, but my job was to protect the second group which were the cantaloupe children in order to do this I very careful I took off all my hospital panamas along with pulling all my iv out so when I finally came to I was covered in blood still desperately trying to protect the cantaloupe children. I kept getting my two friends named Erin/Aaron mixed up and would be really angry when someone corrected me (which they did often since only one of them was female and pregnant). I began to write pages of notes at night which to this day still do not make sense.

I began to freak a little, hair loss and the other things that is what you sign up for, completely losing your mind is something that no one get prepared for. It was the oddest of places though that helped me get through it. I ended up with an old Vogue Magazine with an article about someone who was also going through brain cancer, the more I read the more I understood, she had her made up frogs that needed protecting just like my cantaloupe children. Bits of history became jumped up. I remember being confused to the point of sobbing that I couldn’t explain avatar using shapes. We both had books that we knew existed and that these books held the cures but they were written. I have thousands of explains.

Anyways since this turned into a bit of heavy blog (more than I intended on anyways) I’ll leave it with that and see if my parents or Kerrie remember any of the funnier stuff.

So far new pain plan is working; this could be the start of an excellent week J Not much of a stair update today, the regular physio was off so I just spent some time on a bike and then went for a long walk will be tackling again tomorrow so fingers crossed for some excellent STAIR SMASH.